WTFWJCVDD – Edition Twenty-Five
My friend Jamie called to tell me she was preggers. Instead of being happy for her, I was concerned. I’ve known her since we were four and I never pictured her actually having a baby – she just isn’t responsible enough. Some proof of this was the fact that she got knocked and she wasn’t dating anyone at the time. This was part of my source of concern.
About seven months earlier she asked me to meet her in Vegas. She was going to be there with some friends and really wanted me to come for a weekend of fun. I told her I couldn’t because I had a crazy schedule, but she begged and pleaded with me. She told me she’d make it worth my while and she’d show me the best weekend of my life. I thought to myself that I’ve had some pretty damn good weekends, what’s going to make this one so incredible I asked her? She replied, anything you’d like. Uncertain of how she was going to bring me Lou Malnati’s pizza, I decided to consider it.
Jamie and I have always been good friends but nothing like this had ever come up. She’s cute, but nothing incredible so I’d never pursued anything. However, apparently she wanted things to change. Unsure of how this would play out, I said I’d come. I mean what’s there to lose with a weekend in Vegas? And while I can’t say I was interested is messing around with her, I also can’t deny that easy ass is like finding a $20 bill on the ground – you’ll always be happy to accept it.
The trip consisted of all night drinking, dancing, gambling and breakfast at two in the afternoon by the pool. All in all it was a great time but the specifics were a blur. I hadn’t thought about Jamie’s proposal until her recent call telling me she was due in two months. Basic math is difficult in a high stress situations, but I was certain that 7 + 2 equaled the time it takes to make a baby. Had we fooled around? Did I pull a Knocked Up? Was she calling to tell me the baby was mine? I tried to remain calm, but I was panicked and I told her I had to go and hung up.
About a week later she called to tell me she was going to be in town and wanted to grab dinner with me. I hadn’t called her back since our last chat and I was hoping that ignoring her would erase the potential problem. Although I was afraid she was going to drop the bomb on me over a lobster dinner, I decided I had to know. The uncertainty was keeping me up at night. If she wanted to meet with me to tell me what I thought was coming, I figured this was the beginning of the end for the fun in my life.
When I saw Jamie I could tell right away she was definitely packing. After some catching up, she started talking about her baby. With a bead of sweat on my brow I asked her who the father is. She said it was this dude named Matt that isn’t in the picture anymore. He was an old boyfriend of hers that she’d been sleeping with on and off for a while. At that instant it all became clear. We hadn’t fooled around in Vegas and that child would remain a bastard (sorry little fella, but I just don’t have room in my life for anyone other than myself).
I guess you could say what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas. Small things like a credit card bill or herpes complex 10 can follow you home. Sometimes, thankfully not in this case, you can forget that money shots are the best form of birth control and end up finishing inside in the heat of the moment. It all seems like fun and games, but the risk that comes along with that kind of whore play could haunt you for the rest of your life. Put a dome piece on it.
Until the next Kumate…
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You’re currently reading “WTFWJCVDD – Edition Twenty-Five,” an entry on YourBias.com presents WTFWJCVDD
- Published:
- June 22, 2009 / 6:53 AM
- Category:
- WTFWJCVDD
- Tags:
- baby, birth control, bloodsport, boobies, funny, future, girlfriend, humor, jean claude van damme, knocked up, men, mental, money shot, pizza, pool, pregnant, sackless, sex, vegas, women, wtf
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