WTFWJCVDD – Edition Twenty-Three

The other night a friend and I decided we wanted to go cougar hunting. Often times when I tell people this plan, they simply look at me puzzled and want to know why I have such a desire to hook up with older broads. Don’t be fooled – I like young chicks as much as the next guy, but sometimes I don’t want to work for it. Sealing the deal with a younger broad is always an involved process. They either want to play hard to get until it’s simply not worth it, or they want to hook you for the commitment. But when I meet a seasoned woman, I know if I play my cards right I’m gonna get some that night.

So me and my boy Kevin decided to pursue a lead on some new spots in cougar country where the roads are lined with hot older women, recently divorced and out on the prowl with their ex-daddy warbucks’ money. The first place we hit up was called Deuces. Despite the name, we had heard it attracted thin, nice looking woman. As we got out of the car, Kevin got all excited about how good the night was going to be (I like when my wing man is hyped up because his positive attitude lifts me up too). He pointed out some honey’s chilling in the parking lot, licked his lips and made a motion for an air spank to a make believe ass. As we got closer I noticed they were young, too young. A car pulled up and they skipped over to what seemed to be one of their parents, got in and drove away. Then we passed a couple of guys walking away from the place, none of which would know how to use a razor to shave. I glanced over at Kevin thinking what the fuck is up with this place. It didn’t seem right.

We got about thirty feet from the door and I felt like I was walking up to an all night daycare center, so I stopped and consulted with Kevin about how we should proceed. Upon doing so the bouncer began to walk towards us as if he wasn’t going to let us enter. Confused because we weren’t drunk enough for them to turn us away we continued to the door. The bouncer intercepted us and said it was 19 and under tonight. Apparently this club was out of commission for the night, but the bouncer was cool and informed us that there were some good places near by with an older crowd. Before turning to leave, I enthusiastically asked him which girls were 18 and over. He just smiled and gave me a look like get the hell out of here creep. I don’t blame him, but I think he just wanted to keep them all for himself – must be studying to be a pediatric gynecologist.

We headed over to another place called The Coast. This was what we were looking for – the place was packed with all kinds of chicks, from cubs to cougars. We got a drink and made a lap around. After scanning the place, we didn’t see much promise here either. We kept getting our asses grabbed by numerous women and had to dodge several sets of cougar claws. Regardless of wanting some easy bush that night, we weren’t looking to throw it in just anything. Luckily, Kevin found his mark for the night. She was a blonde cub – he seems to have a weakness for that kind. I let him be and took this opportunity to begin looking for my own hook-up. I spotted a ringless cougar I had seen when we walked in, dancing with another cougar friend. I made my way over to say hello and they claimed me like a lion smothers its prey. I was in for sure, but as I got closer I realized I wasn’t drunk enough and these two mutts weren’t going to cut it. Disappointed, I went over to Kevin to see how his chick panned out. He introduced me to her and then said good-bye. When we got about fifteen feet away, I asked him why he said good-bye to her. He told me she had said she was Mormon and was basically looking for a husband. Though normally Kevin would pretend he was interested in the same thing, this time he knew he’d have to actually marry her before he screwed her and that wasn’t happening tonight.

Our night was looking bleak and we didn’t have any good leads. So, we did what any randy guys would do – we hit up the strip club. Even though we didn’t have any success in the bars, we ended up salvaging the night. Sometimes a visit to the local exotic dancer joint is enough to satisfy your appetite. With a chick in each of our laps, Kevin and I glanced over at each other, cheersed with our drinks, and sat back while the ho’s did all the work. Sometimes it’s nice to take a night off.

Until the next Kumate…

For your consideration:
Why are dogs always so happy? Maybe studying dogs can give us better answers than pills.