WTFWJCVDD – Edition Twenty

I’ve recently struggled to get a decent nights rest. I rarely have trouble falling asleep, but it’s staying out for the count that has been the issue. I’m constantly tired as shit, so I don’t understand why my body refuses to allow itself to recharge like it should. I figured I could probably find a solution to this problem on my own if I put a little time and thought into it, but I said fuck it and decided I would go see a doctor. Why try solving problems with a little introspection when you can see what new miracle drug these wonderful pharmaceutical companies have come up with now to aid in sleeping? As I looked into this problem, I discovered that I suffer from a disorder that is actually more common than most people think (so the doctor told me). I have RBA and you may too.

RBA is a newly discovered medical disorder that has been publicized by the University of Chicago Medical Research Program. RBA stands for Random Boner Attack. It seems amusing, but this is not something to laugh at. It’s main cause is a lack of sexual activity, which tends to be a certainty with long term relationships. So if you’re married, I recommend you get tested immediately.

What happens is mid-night, these RBA’s come into full aggressiveness. The research shows that the blood rush to your johnson is not what causes you to wake up in your sleep. However, the issue arises (indeed) when you move in your sleep. When I have a full rager there is no give. As I roll from my back to my stomach, my body is actually lifted off the bed. It’s at this moment I believe that while I am technically asleep, my body is conscious of this height elevation and I am abruptly woken. It sounds humorous, but I assure you an indiscriminate hard on in the middle of the night most certainly is not.

Most people are probably reading this right now and thinking this must be some kind of joke or some sort of himmelfarb. Well, it’s not. RBA’s are not only responsible for causing more than three million sleep deprivation cases a year (there is no reason not to believe these statistics), but they are also responsible for roughly six lost eyes annually as well. While an RBA might be a mild inconvenience to you, your partner or bed mate can suffer serious damage. Imagine being soundly asleep to be woken up by your own scream when a rock hard boner impales your body.

If these statistics have not caused you to consider going to your doctor and seeking out the next greatest prescription medication to solve this problem, then you’re a fool and putting loved ones at risk. Or, you can stop being a stupid consumer spending money on the next best drug and simply love yourself a little bit before you go to sleep. It’s your call, but act fast because you don’t know when someone you know will be the victim of an RBA.

Until the next Kumate…

For your consideration:
Do you think the long term benefit of using prescription drugs for things that are not pertinent outweighs the potential detriment?