WTFWJCVDD – Edition Fourteen

Brain Dead

People say to me sometimes, look, I think you need to take it easy on the female criticism. I simply say, read the following:

The other day I was at my friend Jeff’s house. His sister is a couple of years older than me and I have interacted with her friends since I have been young. One of her friends, Jenny, has been someone that I have been in love with since 4th grade. Now, technically I have not been in love with her since I believe I am incapable of that particular emotion, but from the perspective of a 10 year old, it was serious. Jenny was a smoking hot broad who flashed a grin at you that made you understand the desire to want something. It also gave you a faint hope of possibility. That possibility single handedly propelled you to continue on your journey of love for her.

Enough background. It turns out that the weekend I was visiting Jeff, his sister Steph was also in town visiting. Naturally, when we get together, the conversation of my past love for Jenny is always brought up. Steph told me that she was going to dinner with some of her friends since she was in town, and one of them was Jenny. I said that she should put in the good word for me to which she replied, “Why would I? I know how much of a scumbag you are.” Normally that would hurt, but I can’t deny what I am. Still, I pressed that she drop some niceties about me giving me a slight edge and told her that while I am a scumbag, deep down there is potential (whatever I had to say to get what I wanted).

Anyway, later that evening I was out to dinner with Jeff and some other friends. In the middle of dinner Jeff gets a text from his sister Steph who invited us to meet up with them for some drinks. So he asked me, “Would you like to go?”

“Is the Pope Catholic?” I responded.

“Indeed.”

We headed over to the bar after dinner to meet up with the broads. When I got there I saw Jenny who appeared excited to see me as she came up to me and gave me a big hug. She went to the bathroom, at which time Steph pulled me aside to talk to me. The following content of conversation is not embellished:

Steph: “I talked to Jenny for you tonight. Told her that you’re a good guy.”

Me: “Really?”

Steph: “Yeah. I told her how cute you look with your grown out facial hair and how funny you are, and I also told her that you always say you have a small dick.”

Me: “ex-fucking-cuse-me?”

Crazypsycho: “What? You always do say that.”

Me: “It’s a joke! It’s funny when I say it because I’m present and people know I’m kidding. Throwing that shit out there second hand is reckless and ridiculous.”

Crazypsycho: “It doesn’t matter. Oh, and I told her that you told me that you said you could never date her because you cannot respect women.”

So at this point I’m fuming because I cannot believe a human being believes that this is something that would be considered putting the “good word” in for someone. And trust me, she was not trying to fuck me over. She really thought she was being nice.

Me: “Are you a moron? Why would you say that shit? I can’t believe you think that is even slightly reasonable. I have a retarded friend that would understand that this is outrageous and you think you made me look good? If you were into a dude would it be appropriate for me to go up to him and while pointing at you, tell him that that girl over there is interested in him, but oh by the way, she just had serious bowl squirts from her excessive diarrhea so she needs a couple of minutes to let her asshole cool down before she can get up and approach you?”

Crazypsychoidiot: “Why would that make me look good?”

Good lord, she just didn’t get it. I finished my drink and then we got the hell out of there. I wasn’t even pissed about the way that Jenny perceived what Steph had said to her because I have to assume if Jenny is even somewhat competent she’ll realized that Steph is a bloody tampon spewing filth from her crusted hole. What truly bothered me was the fact that a person I have known for all these years and confided in believed that her idiotic comments were somehow beneficial to me and then when explained why they were not, she was incapable of grasping it.

So back to my initial reaction to the comments I have received. Lay off the criticism? Blow me.

Until the next Kumate…

For your consideration:
Soap always seems to remain clean. Would you knowingly use a bar of soap to wash your face after I used it to wash my crack?