WTFWJCVDD – Edition Twelve

Recently I have been having trouble sleeping  because my neck has been killing me. I had a basketball game about two weeks ago. Nothing unusual happened during the game, but afterward my back was hurting. It was then that I assumed my neck was an effect of something actually wrong with my back. I went out to the bar that sponsors my team afterward and was complaining to my friends about my back hurting. I acknowledged that something was wrong and I was going to have to see a doctor. My friend Sam cut me off and said, “Don’t be an idiot. Your back probably hurts because of stress and tension. Go get a massage. If your back still hurts, then call the doc.” I agreed, but added that I have never had a massage before so I wasn’t sure where to even go. Sam told me he goes to this great place and he wrote down the name and address.

Later that week my back was killing me and I decided just to go to get the massage then. So after work I got into a cab and gave him the address. After 10 min or so he stopped and told me we had arrived. I got out of the cab and looked around. I was in the middle of China town in Chicago, what the fuck was I doing here?

So I walked in the entrance and saw what appeared to be a run down barber shop. “Ok Sam, good joke,” I said to myself. “You got me.” Even though the place didn’t look legit, I decided since I was already there I might as well inquire. I walk up to the old Asian guy at the front desk and tell him that I don’t have an appointment, but really need a massage and would appreciate being squeezed in. He tells me no problem and I ask him what packages they have. “$40 dolla fo 30 minute massage, $60 dolla fo hour massage, and $75 dolla for table showa.”

Table shower?” I say to Miyagi’s brother, “What the hell is a table shower?”

“Table showa is where girl wash you and clean you.”

“Am I submerged under water?” I shot back at him.

“No, no, it’s nice.”

I thought about it briefly and responded. “Ok, for an extra $15.00 you bought my curiosity. I’ll do a table shower.”

He tells me to take my shoes off and go through this door he points to and up the stairs.

“There’s an upstairs?” I question the massage master.

“Yes. Everyting upstairs,” he replied.

So I walk through a doorway, take my shoes off and start to climb the stairs. I’m greeted at the top of the stairs by an attractive looking Asian woman that looked to be in her late twenties. As I look around the upstairs, I see that it was nothing like the first floor. There was nice wood floors and a 50 inch plasma mounted on the wall. To the right was a massive leather couch with four or five Asian woman sitting on it watching some Asian soap opera.

The woman directed me to a room and told me to change into a towel. I do and she knocks on the door and says, “Ready?” I nod and she says, “Ok, follow me.” I walk behind her down this hallway and she opens up a door and says, “Sit in steam shower until ready.” I walk into this tiny stall barely big enough for one person and sit down. As I’m sitting down in my towel as the steam rises in the confined little box I ask myself what the fuck I’m doing here. After a minute or two I decide that I have had enough and open the door. The woman was waiting for me and asks me if I’m done. I reply yes and she says, “Ok, follow me.”

She walks me down the hall and into a room I shit you not belonged in the movie Hostel. There was dark tile flooring and the lights were dimmed. In the middle of the room was an alter raised up with an oval shaped table on top where they were probably going to sacrifice my body. On top of the platform was what appeared to be a Styrofoam pool raft. She tells me to get on the table so I head over. “No, no,” she says. “No towel.”

“No towel?” I questioned back to her. She responds with another no and I say to myself, ok lady, whatever you want. I notice hangers mounted on the wall so I walk over to them, take my towel off, and hang it up. The masseuse was about three feet away from me, just starring at me. All I could think about was how everything has progressively gotten more awkward since I walked into the joint.

So I go and hop up on the table and lie down on my stomach. The lady walks over to me and grabs a shower head from the wall and turns it on and starts spraying my back with it. My first reaction was, this is kind of nice. She continues to spray me with warm water as she starts to wash my back with soap. She moves down to my legs and then she brings her hand up my inner thigh and her fingers hit my balls and go up my crack. Good lord I think to myself, what the fuck am I doing here? She washes my back for a couple of minutes and then she says, “Ok, turn over.”

“Turn over?” I responded back.

“Yes, turn over.”

Ok lady, you asked for it. I turn over on my back and am lying on the table completely naked. The Asian broad continues to wash my front side. She starts washing my chest and then my legs. Then she gently and quickly moves her hand from the base of my dick to the tip. Immediately after she does that I get a full on raging boner. I start laughing because I was embarrassed and felt terrible. If the woman was unsure of which direction was north, she knew now. She giggles and continued to wash the rest of my body.

After a couple of minutes washing my front side, she tells me to get up and dry off. I grab my towel and start drying off. Again, the lady is standing three feet away from me just watching me dry myself – weird. I wonder if she thinks this is normal?

When I’m done, she asks me if I’m finished and I reply, “Yes.”

“Ok, follow me,” she says again. I follow her down the hall and back to the room I was first in. She tells me to get on the massage table and I start to climb on as she stops me. “No, no towel.”

“No towel?” I ask again. She replies no so I take my towel off. I get on the table and lie down on my stomach. She starts to massage my back and asks me if I like hard massage or soft massage. I tell her I don’t know and that I have never had a massage before. She repeats, “Never in life?” and I reply, “No, this is my first time.” Something about that comment stirred up laughter in her because she started giggling. I didn’t know why until after the massage, but I can see now why she thought it was funny.

So she starts massaging my back and says, “Here, hard massage.” Then she moves her hands to my legs and says, “Here, medium massage.” Then she gently rubs my butt and says, “Here, soft massage.” I think to myself, that sounds about right and I relax as she works on my back.

After about 25 minutes I was feeling great and was happy that I had decided to get the massage. Just then I I hear her say, “Ok, turn over.”

“Turn over?” I repeat back to her.

“Yes, turn over.”

“Ok,” I say and I flip over. She starts massaging my chest and then she says to me, “You pay $75 dolla fo table showa?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I paid downstairs when I first got here.”

She looks at me and says, “In here, you can have whatever you want, but you must pay.”

I look at her innocently and say, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She points to my dick and says, “You want this, $60 dolla. Then she points to her clothes. “You want this, $100 dolla.” You want this, ” as she points to her mouth, “$140 dolla.”

I look right at her and say, “Uh…what?” I had no idea what to do. Was this lady really offering to finish me off? I always heard people joke about happy endings, but I thought it was a myth like squirters and honest women.

Then she looks at me and says, “Since your first time, I give you this,” and she points to my dick, ” for no charge. But this,” as she points to her clothes, “$100 dolla, and this,” as she points to her mouth, “$140 dolla.”

I barely get out an, “Uh…” as I tried to evaluate the situation. I hesitate, and then I point to my dick. “I’ll do that I guess.” It felt wrong to go along with it, but my parents always stressed to me as a kid that it was impolite not to accept gifts from people. Since she offered to do “that” for no charge since it was my first time, I declared it a gift.

The lady says ok and walks over to a table. She gets oil and walks back over to me. She starts rubbing the oil all over my balls and my dick. Holy shit I think to myself. Is this really happening? Then the lady takes both her hands and does a motion that looks like someone trying to start a fire. As I was lying there I couldn’t help but reflect that I believe this was my very first hand job and it was fantastic. If ever before a chick tried to jerk me off, I would tell her to either put it in her mouth, or leave me alone. It was clearly something I could do without assistance, but this time was different. There was something very hot about an Asian masseuse rubbing one out for me and doing it for no charge in honor of my first time.

So as this lady is making hand love to my penis, I look at her and say, “Uh… should I tell you before I finish?”

“NO.” she shoots back immediately.

“No,” I say, “Should I tell you before I finish?” I repeated.

“NO.” She fires back. “I no whore.” I guess she mistook what I said for, “Should I touch you before I finish.” I realized she didn’t understand, but didn’t want to make the situation any more awkward so I just shut my mouth and hoped she had woman’s intuition. She starts fucking two-hand salt shaker twisting my knob and I’m about the explode. She was on the left side of the table and so my dick was turned slightly left where she had the best grip. Just then I shot a load and I turn in time to see it strike her right in the face. Holy shit I think to myself! Her head flew backwards like Kramer in that Seinfeld episode where he re-enacts the spitting scene from Keith Hernandez. I wait for a moment in fear not knowing how she would react. She slaps my chest and says, “Bad a boy!” Then she starts laughing. I laugh too out of relief and because it was fucking hilarious. I tried to tell her, but she didn’t speak English. Welcome to America Mai Ling.

The second and third shot were never recovered. I think they were on the ceiling somewhere. She tells me to go take a shower and she cleans up the mess. I come back and explain to her what I was trying to communicate to her before. She understands this time and laughs. “You no have no girlfriend?” she asks me.

“Haha, no,” I reply, not that if I did I would have been drained anymore.

She leaves the room and I get dressed. I walk out and go to give her a $20 tip. I didn’t know if I should give her a pound, shake her hand, or give her a hug. I mean the lady did see me naked and jerked me off. I proceed to give her the most awkward hug ever distributed to a person and walk out of the massage parlor with a massive grin on my face. I text my friend and tell him I was genuinely looking for a massage, but got much, much more.

The whole experience was extremely awkward, but also excellent. I would definitely go back again and can now chalk this one up as more than just a myth. I guess the lessons to be learned are that learning to communicate well might not just help things go along smoother, but can also provide protection when you least expect it. Also, who says there’s no such thing as a happy ending…

Until the next Kumate…

For your consideration:
Who thought of recessed lighting? You walk into a room that’s lit, but you see no lights.