WTFWJCVDD – Edition Eleven, Boobie Series – Part Two

The other day I was working out at my gym. I was resting in between sets and noticed a very attractive woman walk by me with massive porn star tits. Naturally, it was like the reflex test you used to get at the doctors office when they’d hold a finger up in front of you and ask you to follow it. As my eyes went from right to left as this potential sex deviant walked past me, I hear someone say, “You’re so pathetic. If you leave your tongue out like that when you’re lifting heavy weight you’ll probably regret it,” (I can do bicep curls with the 7.5lb dumbbells, yes, I’m jacked). I turn to see who caught me gawking and I see it was my friend Bethany. “Please lady,” I respond, ”What am I supposed to do when I see two nipples starring right at me? It’s impolite to acknowledge someone and not look them in the eyes.”

This got me thinking about an untold truth. Women seem to have an inherent hold over men. Since it was proven in a Harvard study in 1968 that men are much more intelligent than women, we know it’s not because they’re smarter than us. Then what is it? Men think they’re pursuing women, but the whole time it’s women pursuing us. They lure us in with their sexuality. Then once they’ve convinced us to commit to them (marriage), they’re no longer interested in giving us their form of bait, sex.

Like the assassination of JFK, the potential alien landing in Roswell, and the continuous search for Carmen San Diego, there are just some things that we may never have the answers to. We at WTFWJCVDD understand that there exists something so powerful that even Super Man could not resist it himself, and in return sacrificed his powers for it. We call them boobies. In looking deeper into this matter, we decided we’d do our due diligence. We have investigated some unbelievable national events and linked them to what the real cause of these events were. The results are something else…

I’m sure everyone remembers Steve Bartman. He was the guy that reached over and prevented Moises Alou from catching that foul ball in Game 6 of the NL Championship against the Marlins. People believe that action set off a chain reaction and ruined the momentum for the Cubs in the end of the playoffs, thus robbing them of their World Series debut and potential championship. What people don’t know is that even though Steve is a goofy looking fella, he still had a girlfriend and she was at that game. Not only was she at that very game, but she continuously begged Steve to try to catch her a foul ball. When the ball hit by Luis Castillo came near them, she encouraged (forced) him to reach out an snag it. Her boobie hold made Steven make the wrong decision and while she went home after the game to rub lotion on her nipples, Steve went home to his S.W.A.T. guarded residence for the next month until the death threats subsided.

Here’s another man made to look a fool by the power of boobies – Eliot Spitzer. Eliot Spitzer was the former Governor of New York before he resigned when he was caught participating in a prostitution ring. Before he was the Governor, he was a highly acclaimed, well respected Attorney General for the state of New York. Even all his accomplishments and intelligence couldn’t protect him from the Boobie Power. His dilemma came about when his wife refused to put out. It’s hard enough to quit boobs, but no one goes cold turkey. He was forced to get involved with this prostitution ring to get his fix and ultimately got caught and ruined 30 years of hard work. Thanks a lot Mrs. Spitzer.

Enron is one of the biggest scandals in history. Jeffrey Skilling, the CEO of the company, originally wanted to go into the diaper business. However, his wife at the time pressured him into doing something that made more money and she did this by using her Boobie Power. Skilling’s wife insisted that he buy her a private island. Since he hadn’t a clue how to make that kind of money, he decided to steal it. Why work hard for something when you can invest your effort into creating a sweet scam? Anyway, he got caught and sent to jail after the scheme was discovered and his wife left Mr. Skilling for his successful meteorologist brother.

What have we learned here? When people cannot control their actions because of a mental disability, we often write it off and say, “Oh they can’t help it.” But when Bartman tried to impress his girlfriend, Spitzer went looking for his medicine, and Skilling tried to please the love of his life, they’re given no leeway? I’m not saying what they did was right at all (actually god bless Eliot Spitzer), but why not punish the people in charge? We know those guys weren’t in control of their minds. A man acting on the actions of Boobie Power should be given a pardon like someone under coersion or duress held at gunpoint and forced to choose between following directions or their own life. I for one say fuck this nonsense and something needs to be done. Now excuse me while I try to suffocate myself in between a heavy chested broad that just texted me telling me to come over. Drive slow…

Until the Next Kumate….

For your consideration:

Do you think porcupines have died by impalement in the name of pleasure while having sex?