WTFWJCVDD – Edition Eight

The Tormenting Catalyst

I’ve been dating this chick for the last few months. We met in a park. She left her coat on a bench and when she came back looking for it, she found me wearing it. I wasn’t gonna steal it, but I was curious, so I tried it on. When she saw me in the coat she laughed, and I just stared at her blankly. Something about the awkwardness that I produced struck up interest in her. Anyways, back to the present.

The other day she came over and we planned on watching a movie. I had Rocky IV in mind – if you want to learn about a single man putting an end to the Cold War, watch America’s Ambassador of Pain, Rocky Balboa.  She wanted to watch some dumb shit movie called My Best Friend’s Wedding. Unfortunately, things got a little frisky before we watched anything and ultimately I left the brain that controlled the majority of white blood cells at that time to make the decision. My Stupid Best Friend’s Dumb Shit Wedding it was. The whole movie I sat there wondering what my buddies were doing while she was using the tissues (the few that remained after my fun of course) to wipe the tears from her eyes.

After the movie ended, we got into a fight. Well, I wasn’t fighting per say, more like I was listening to her bitch at me. She said that I don’t appreciate her. I didn’t bring her flowers, surprise her at work for lunch or take her out to dinner enough. In my head mockingly I added frolic through a field filled with wild flowers, sing her a song I wrote for her outside her window or show up in a tuxedo for a candlelit dinner I had prepared, what an unrealistic typical woman! Was her perception of real life really this skewed? I tried to explain to her that every time we fool around, my load is a sign of my appreciation. I thought she would join in with my laughter, but it played out differently.

I told her that she plain and simple has watched too many chick flicks. Hollywood is filled with imaginative writers, big budget studio movies and actors that are covered in makeup and told what to say – a far cry from reality. I love MacGyver, but I don’t really think anyone short of Jack Bauer or Jean Claude Van Damme can actually escape from a North Korean high security war prison with nothing but a coat hanger, shoelace and the spare change in their pocket. The SNL joke MacGruber is more like real life.

There is no doubt that these ever growing romantic comedies feed women bogus images of what their love life can be. My girlfriend once told me that Robert Downey Jr. was hot. When I asked her why, she said because of the character he played in the movie, Only You. I told her how sweet I thought that was and that just for informative purposes she should know that in real life Robert Downey Jr. is a drunk that beats women. Naturally that just made me a jealous asshole as far as she was concerned.

Why is it that women believe that men really act and think the way they do in the movies? Every girl from a young age fantasizes about her future husband and dream wedding. Everything is a fairy tale and anything short is unreasonable. I’ve decided women who expect reality to mirror the glamour of the big screen are to be avoided like a phalanx of bumps surrounding a chick’s mouth. When women begin to obligate men to these fairy tale standards, it’s time to get one last blowey and high tail it out of there. It’s fine to try to train women, I put the time in for my dogs too, but we need to be able to recognize when the opportunity cost just isn’t there and take our losses on the spot.

If a woman can appreciate that I have a strange desire to try on ladies coats, that’s great, but when she expects me to shovel out an outrageous amount of money on some delusional wedding, I draw the line. My love for a woman cannot be quantified even though I have set a minimum amount of times we must have sex a week. Some things are just more important than others…

Until the next Kumate…

For your consideration:
Do you think Santa is so jolly around the holidays because he knows where all the bad girls live?