WTFWJCVDD – Edition Two

A common point of resistance in any individual’s life is their inevitably unsuccessful attempt to stay young and slightly immature. We at WTFWJCVDD have conducted numerous studies and found that the majority of the population between 21 and 65 feel older than they are. We decided not to count anyone over 65 because it turns out they have trouble hearing their phones ring when we called to question them.

When I was a kid I remember my grandfather almost harassing me to appreciate my youth. He use to say to me, “Make sure you cherish every day. Believe me when I tell you that the pussy lips don’t age well.” Now I was only 7 years old at the time, but eventually I came to understand what he was saying. In honor of my grandfather who’s last words were, “That’s what a quiefe means?” here are a few reasons why growing old is to your advantage:

You can booze as much as you’d like, it’s not like you’re expected to perform anymore – we all know you’ve been struck with limp dick!

If the disappearance of sex scares you like the shredding of your first Playboy, don’t worry there’s always Viagra. Not only can you still have sex, you’ll get a stiffy like you’re 16 again – even while drinking, legally.

As a senior you eat first (early bird special) and for a discount. I guess restaurants expect you to consume less – and while they believe you’ve peed your pants when you get up to leave, it’s really just the gravy from the turkey you’ve stuffed into your pockets for later.

The pace of our existence is rapidly accelerating with the advancement of technology, expectations are multiplying exponentially and the level of stress is insurmountable at times. When you are older not only do you get to turn your back on it all, if you play your cards right you can have someone wait on you hand and foot – feeding, bathing and cleaning for you. Think about how many times you have told someone to kiss your ass. Someone wiping your ass for you is the ultimate symbol of power.

It doesn’t matter what you look like – ear hair is a sign of prestige in assisted living centers.

The law no longer applies to you – paved roads and speed limit signs are optional.

Lastly, there is no concern for the future, there’s only tomorrow … and maybe next Tuesday. Beyond that you’re just testing your luck so enjoy the day and take advantage of diapers – holding it in is bad for you anyway.

The bottom line is you shouldn’t fear getting older. As my grandfather used to say, “A blowey is a blowey. It doesn’t matter if it’s from an 18 year old or a 70 year old – when your head’s back it all feels that same.”

Until the next Kumate…

For your consideration:
If a deaf kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?